Christmas Funny

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.  Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
 
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.
 
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
 
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.
 
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.  The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.
 
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

“I’m sorry,” he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.  Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Naughty Notions #8

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called ‘The Knob’, where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman’s head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted ‘The Knob’. Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young-looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. ‘All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them’.

The doctor looked at her closely and said, ‘Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts’. She replied, ‘Well, I guess there’s no point in asking about the goatee’.

 

Brought to you by:  Kim Switnicki

Sex Coach, Speaker, Author

 www.lionessforlovers.com

Naughty Notions #7

A man was riding his Harley along a California beachwhen suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The old biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can ride over anytime I want.”

The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!

It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.  I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.  Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”

The biker thought about it for a long time.  Finally, he said, “Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”

Naughty Notions #6

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.

So he says, ‘Do you know me?’ To which she replies, ‘I think you’re the father of one of my kids.’

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, ‘Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, ‘No, I’m your son’s teacher.’

Naughty Notions #5

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.  ‘Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window.  My husband’s home early!’

‘I can’t jump out the window.  It’s raining out there!’

‘If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!’ she replied.He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!’

The boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!  As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.  After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.‘Do you always run in the nude?’ one asked.

‘Oh yes!’ he replied, gasping for air, ‘It feels so wonderfully free!’ 

Another runner moved a long side. ‘Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?’

Oh, ‘yes’ our friend answered breathlessly. ‘That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!’ 

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, ‘Do you always wear a condom when you run?’

‘Nope…just when it’s raining.’

Naughty Notions #4

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says: “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”

Naughty Notions #3

Mommy works at Home Depot…she was selling a shovel.

Naughty Notions #2

Can you name this animal?….

 

It’s a “Dill-Doe” !

Naughty Notion #1

Dear Madam:

Thank you for your recent order from our Sex Toys Shop.

You asked for the large red vibrator as featured on our wall display.

Please select another item, because that is our…fire extinguisher.

 

WELL, CRAP!!!